losing steam

i admit it. there are times when i really lose my steam especially when dealing with my toddler. he is at the stage when he gets what he wants even if it is the wrong way. last night, i heard him (and his cousins) arguing while playing snakes and ladders. E wants to be the first to finish the race so he tweaked his move so he can climb the ladder. C got mad and a series of shouting ang arguing began.

it is so frustrating when kids act like this... but i think it is more of me than the kids getting frustrated over it. i tried my best not to get in the argument but the moment i saw them making faces at one another, i gave in to the arguement. and it did not help at all, even if that was my intention.

in these moments i feel guilty. because i let it all blow off instead of letting them handle the situation. sure i wanted to teach my son how to rely on his own, but whenever i see them in constrant brawl with one another, i am almost sure to find myself in the middle of it. i cannot just let my son fight with others, moreso with his cousins but am i doing the right thing of constantly getting in the midst of every fight? even in knowing that after each fight, they are back in their playful mood, as if nothing happened? that's how kids are, right?

i am not a perfect parent, but i strive hard to be a good one. but it is beginning to take its toll on me and it defeats the purpose of my desire to be a a good one.

in my reflections last night, i really felt bad and guilty. guilty of having to lose my patience in dealing with son. i felt bad for getting mad each time he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. and with a new baby coming, i cannot help but feel that if i am to continue this way, i am no less near my strife to be a good parent.

in 7 toxic parenting styles. are you guilty? , it descibes how parenting has become more challenging due to the dictates of our modern culture. i find that striving too hard would not do my kid any favor but it adds up to him having a stressed and anxious mom and me having an even stressed and anxious kid.

now i challenge myself to exercise (more) patience in dealing with my kid, to relax a bit, change my perspective and get rid of my expectations - to just let my kid be a kid.

i have constantly reminded myself in the past to choose my battles with E, but i always, always fail. but it never hurts to stretch myself more to try again as much as i can, to pick my battles and let go of the little things that annoys me more than him. i have to learn to be more gentle, kinder and be extra patient with him. and more importantly, i would have to learn to let him do things independently, to refrain myself from always being on the rescue so that he'll learn how to handle things, to do and act right without me doing it for him.

i know that my son is just in a phase that he will soon pass just like how i know in my heart that these challenges and anxieties shall all too wear off in time.