{create}

yes, finally! i was able to pull my act together and came out with a lay-out! Yey! my first for the year! after being so overwhelmed with the amazing creations of Ali Edwards yesterday, i was so inspired to scrapbook.

this is the first time that i am not working on a sketch or scraplifting. i just gathered my photos and supplies and work my way into creating a page. i think part of the motivation also came from the free online class that i joined at Big Picture Scrapbooking entitled Embracing Perfection. and just a few weeks in the class, it hit me to the core of why i don't scrapbook the way i should. sure, i wanted to preserve my precious moments but i was just too afraid that my layouts would look too plain and simple compared to those of what others do. i am afraid to have mismatched colors and unproportioned layouts. i would spend time trying to figure out how my papers match with my limited supplies that i would end up frustrated and quit making the LO altogether. i am just soo afraid to have imperfect LOs. i am afraid that my family will not appreciate what i am doing.

but why do i scrapbook? does a layout have to be more important than the memories that i intend to preserve? sure that's part of scrapbooking but i think more than the visuals, it's still all about memory-keeping. i have friends who wanted to try out scrapbooking but i hear them say that they are not creative or they are not into arts. i always say that to them that we are on the same boat. i am not a born artist nor i am creative, but i just have this passion of wanting to preserve what i enjoy now so that i have something to look back to years from now.

maybe i just got it from my mom who is a "photo addict" because she likes to take pictures a lot and we had lots of photos when were kids. actually, even up to now that we have kids of our own. we have tons of albums! she told me once that she wants to have as many memories of the events in our lives and have those in pictures because she doesn't have any picutres when she was a child. how sad is that? so she delights in seeing those photos - it makes her really happy. and i want that. i think it's a legacy that i want to take on. that's where the passion is coming from.

so for those of us who are not gifted with such creativity, don't be discouraged. scrapbooking is also for us. because the very purpose of why we scrapbook is not how beautiful our layout will turn out, but it is how the memories come alive each time we see what we have created. how it brings us back to the moment and re-live those memories. pure joy!

i am still in the process of embracing everything altogether, slow-paced and all, but i know in my heart that nothing would stop me from documenting the everyday. and i am doing this for my family, to let them know that each moment with them are truly cherished, all worthy of the effort of putting it all up together - in a scrapbook layout.

glimpse of {u}

today, we are all excited to go to the sonologist. i'm glad that we are all in this as a family - with richie and euan all set to go with me at the hospital.

today, we found out that we are having a BOY (again!), much to euan's delight. he was the happiest when he heard that we are having a boy - with a resounding YES!!, a clutched fist and a cheeky smile. but he suddenly wished it was a girl so mama can have a partner. so sweet of him to think of that. but later when would ask him if he's happy to have a baby brother, he'd always answer YES with a grin!

today, we saw a glimpse of the baby in my womb - a lot of moving, kicking, yawning, thumbsucking, and best of all, SMILING at us! the flash of that big smile melts my heart. and seeing both richie and euan's wide-eyed stares makes it a wonderful experience altogether.

today, we all talked about the experience endlessly. how i was amazed at richie and euan's candid expressions during the whole ultrasound, how euan's eyes popped and jaws dropped when he heard baby's heartbeat saying, "that's baby!", or how perfect the timing was when baby flashed that big smile while euan was candidly singing (for lack of anything to do) or how different this experience was during euan's time. richie is one proud dad, saying that he feels that this baby seems a bit more personable. i think he is still awed seeing the baby smile :) i am still overwhelmed by it!

that one precious smile... if only i could get a glimpse of what my baby was thinking then... but i could sense that he is eager to see us, happy that we are all there to catch a glimpse of him, excited all the more to show us that there is indeed a miracle inside my womb - one healthy bouncing happy baby boy!

losing steam

i admit it. there are times when i really lose my steam especially when dealing with my toddler. he is at the stage when he gets what he wants even if it is the wrong way. last night, i heard him (and his cousins) arguing while playing snakes and ladders. E wants to be the first to finish the race so he tweaked his move so he can climb the ladder. C got mad and a series of shouting ang arguing began.

it is so frustrating when kids act like this... but i think it is more of me than the kids getting frustrated over it. i tried my best not to get in the argument but the moment i saw them making faces at one another, i gave in to the arguement. and it did not help at all, even if that was my intention.

in these moments i feel guilty. because i let it all blow off instead of letting them handle the situation. sure i wanted to teach my son how to rely on his own, but whenever i see them in constrant brawl with one another, i am almost sure to find myself in the middle of it. i cannot just let my son fight with others, moreso with his cousins but am i doing the right thing of constantly getting in the midst of every fight? even in knowing that after each fight, they are back in their playful mood, as if nothing happened? that's how kids are, right?

i am not a perfect parent, but i strive hard to be a good one. but it is beginning to take its toll on me and it defeats the purpose of my desire to be a a good one.

in my reflections last night, i really felt bad and guilty. guilty of having to lose my patience in dealing with son. i felt bad for getting mad each time he doesn't do what he is supposed to do. and with a new baby coming, i cannot help but feel that if i am to continue this way, i am no less near my strife to be a good parent.

in 7 toxic parenting styles. are you guilty? , it descibes how parenting has become more challenging due to the dictates of our modern culture. i find that striving too hard would not do my kid any favor but it adds up to him having a stressed and anxious mom and me having an even stressed and anxious kid.

now i challenge myself to exercise (more) patience in dealing with my kid, to relax a bit, change my perspective and get rid of my expectations - to just let my kid be a kid.

i have constantly reminded myself in the past to choose my battles with E, but i always, always fail. but it never hurts to stretch myself more to try again as much as i can, to pick my battles and let go of the little things that annoys me more than him. i have to learn to be more gentle, kinder and be extra patient with him. and more importantly, i would have to learn to let him do things independently, to refrain myself from always being on the rescue so that he'll learn how to handle things, to do and act right without me doing it for him.

i know that my son is just in a phase that he will soon pass just like how i know in my heart that these challenges and anxieties shall all too wear off in time.

amused

today, you woke up telling me over and over how much you miss me, while hugging me tight. i almost did not go to work just to stay with you. my heart just melts at how you look at me as if telling me to stay. but after a while you kissed me goodbye and told me to take care. you are just the sweetest!

lately, you have been learning to read (or should i say spell) almost everything you see. you even love to read traffic signs and would often asked what those meant. i think it is more of me than you that is amused everytime you came up with words that go with what you have spelled. i think it is because as a toddler, you are more of a picture-reader at this stage. and so, some of what you have spelled lately:

G-A-P -> JACKET (the word was written on your jacket)

L-A-C-O-S-T-E --> ALLIGATOR (there was an alligator patch with the word written on your shirt)

E-X-P-L-O-S-I-V-E --> DAMIT (how's that? that was written on tito sam's shirt!)

T-O-S-H-I-B-A--> LAPTOP

B-A-B-Y- C-O-U-T-U-R-E --> BAG (i don't know how you knew that this was a bag because you just read it from some paper bag)

F-E-N-D-E-R --> GUITAR... ay hindi pala...BASS GUITAR (and now you can even classify what type of guitar it is!)

the last two words were written in cursive but you were able to spell it anyway... you are simply amazing... and amusing!

through your eyes

today, you are a kid bursting with emotions, a kid with a tremendous personality.

i see that you are a happy child. you love to laugh. every tickle, every chase, every word that sounds funny to you would merit your laughter. i love how your laughter echoes in the house. even when there are a lot of moments with whining and crying especially when you don't get what you want, you could easily switch on your happy mood.

i see that you are affectionate. you love to hug, kiss and snuggle those who are dear to you. you never forget to kiss lola goodnight just as you cannot sleep without mama hugging you tight.

i see that love to be praised, even with the little things that you do. you wanted to be right all the time and despised being told that you are wrong.

i see that you get mad easily. when something annoys you, with hands on your waist, you would shake your head and have that mad-eyed look! but you too can easily shrug off what seem to have caused the rage.

i see that even as a toddler, you have a perfect sense of order. you would always remind me to arrange and put my slippers beside yours just before i climb to bed at night. or how you would want to arrange your wooden dominos by pairing the same images altogether.

i see that you are a budding musician. you love to sing and love to mess with papa's guitars. and when you hear some good music, you would instantly do that foot-tapping and follow the beat as if you are playing the drums or the guitar. you love to be in papa's practice and even want to be in places where papa plays.

i see that you are an artist. you love arts and crafts and dabble with mama's paints and materials. you love to get your hands dirty and explore whatever materials i give you (be it paint, glue, clay,rocks, shells, etc). you know how to appreciate the arts and would always remind me how beautiful my works are. one time when i entered a contest and didn't win, you told me that it's ok and that there's always a next time.

i see that you love to write. i love to hear you ask me for more papers so you can write letters, spell names, draw and doodle what would tickle your fancy.

i see that you love to read. even if it is just picture-reading, i love that you are able to connect the pictures with words and tell it into your own words. it amazes me that you remember each stories and even memorized some of your well-loved books.

i see that you are a fast and eager learner. you do get bored easily over repetitive activities but at the same time would never stop doing the things you have learned. you look forward learning new things in school while also enjoying the other times when it's only the two of us exploring different ways to learn.

i see that we are important to you. you are sad when we are not with you but you are extremely happy when we are around.

seeing all that through your eyes makes my heart melt.

a night like no other

dear son,

i look forward spending evenings with you, especially when it is time to laze up in bed and read with you before bedtime. you would pick up a book (and most of the times, it would be the same book, for a week or two!) and we would read it over and over. there were moments when i am too tired to read to you but your pleading would make me give in to read a book or two. but there were also days that you want to read 5 books! and i would find myself still giving in.

lately, you love your bible stories book. you love being read about the stories of noah, samson, jonah, and david. the stories of the first christmas and tower of babel amaze you. i have often wondered if you would remember these stories and i am happy that you did when last night, you asked papa to read to you the story of samson, telling him ahead what it was all about!

my heart just bursts with joy!

it was a rare moment to see you and papa reading together and i was thrilled watching the two of you, having a great a time!

you know that i love reading with you and i know that you love being read to. it has been OUR bonding moment. but it takes me on a different high seeing that you have taken on the habit and shared that moment with papa. a moment that i know will hold a special place in papa's heart.

know that these moments mean big time for us... even if those are some random moments or a part of our 'usual' routine, we are overwhelmed with joy for every single time spent with you.

love,
mama

mimic

i love this stage when all that kids do is imitate whatever you do, whatever you say no matter what the situation is. sometimes it gets into my nerves but most of times it just makes me roll with laughter.

and so i did this LO for sketch 196 of pencil lines, highlighting how my son loves to mimic me. it's my first time to join in their challenges but i've been a frequent visitor of their blog.

here's the sketch...

and here's my take...

i did some paper tearing and distressing...

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Journaling: The moment you saw me aim the camera at you, you immediately held up this worn out toy you were playing with and mimic me. I love it when you let me in to your imaginative world. It reminds me to see things through your eyes. Love, Mama

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i love how the pins turned out in this LO. i did not plan to use it this way but i love the effect! :)

i am glad that i was able to use some of the papers i bought from a scrapbooking sale 2 years ago...

thanks for looking!

amazed

dear son,

you'll never know how proud i was when i discovered that at three, you have learned to write your name. what started out as doodling became the letters of the alphabet. you can recite and recognize the alphabet well but you never displayed much interest in writing. or maybe i just failed to notice. so it came as a surprise when during one of our writing activities, after several times of guiding your hand to write, you took the cue and wrote down your name, all by yourself! this is a major achievement for you as a toddler and for me as a mom. i know you get frustrated at times when you can't get to write the letters properly, but you just don't know how i love those cute, imperfect strokes and reversed letters!
yet it gives me a gentle reminder to be big with praises each time you do it right (and to be generous even more when you can't seem to make everything right!). i cherish the fact that those words worked like magic for you to do more and learn more.
this is a beautiful start of your quest for knowledge. may you never tire, my eager learner!

love,
mama

small talks

i am enjoying my "small talks" with euan..."small" because he can barely complete a sentence but enough to drive a point and be understood...so lately my little story teller raves about how he loves sitting on papa's lap while driving, and honks to every approaching car! it drives us crazy but it seemed like bliss to him!
and so one time when they fetched me, he honked the car. i was taken by surprise that i almost jumped and euan just burst into laughter.

here's his photo in one of our recent trips. i just love every bit of my naughty little boy. (photo editing courtesy of frame-up and special effects by no less than jessica sprague.

discoveries

i can't help but be sympathetic for the sudden death of john travolta's son. the pain of losing a child is immeasurable. but i was also quite alarmed by the fact that travolta's son had kawasaki disease and later on developed asthma as reported. last year, january 25 to be exact, euan was diagnosed with kawasaki disease. good thing the doctors (after a week-long deliberation) were able to give him the (very expensive!) IVIG medicine before it hit his arteries. when he was discharged, he was under aspirin until such time that his blood tests would go back to normal. he was out of aspirin the latter part of the year but had to undergo 2d-echo every 3 months to monitor his heart for any abnormalities. but the summer of last year, we also learned that euan developed asthma. hereditary probably because richie, richie's mom and my father all had asthma.

but with the news about travolta's son made me a bit paranoid about the similarity. according to the news, he also had a history of siezures. i just can't help but worry - is this common to all kawasaki kids?

i knew that KD is a rare disease that had adverse effects to the heart if left untreated as what was explained by euan's pedia-cardio and infectious pedia doctors. all the while i thought that once infused with IVIG, it will be cured. and so he was treated with the IVIG, 8 small bottles plus 2 small smaller ones (dosage computed according to his age) plus the aspirin therapy. but with this news, i got anxious of what this would mean to euan's health. so for my own peace of mind, i googled and found out that there is a site for KD kids and parents, actually it is a foundation for KD kids. mostly, based from the sharing of the parents, their kids suffered from asthma, allegies, migraines and seizures years after the KD diagnosis. now that euan has asthma, it makes me think of the possibility that he may acquire the other effects of KD. although there were some KD kids in the forum who did not suffer any of these effects made me all the more hopeful that some were spared of the dreaded effects. i really hope euan would be spared from it or from any relapse (if there is such a case).

we haven't visited his pedia cardio nor the infectious pedia again but we were already planning on having euan undergo 2d echo again even before the news broke out. i think we really have to visit his doctors again, i just can't risk euan's health. there are so many things running in my mind and i can't help but worry.

i also learned that euan's condition as a KD victim should be well explained especially in school. that i have to deal with once euan starts school. but for now, i am really hoping that things would turn out differently for euan. he seemed okay - a very active and happy child. but i just the same, we have to be extra careful of his health. i don't want to make a big fuss out of it though, and make any special restrictions on his activities just because he had KD. i still want euan to do things normally just like any other kid.

if there's any consolation with these discoveries is the fact that i was able to know about it early on before it may even hit euan. scary but at least i am somehow prepared about it. that if ever these effects manifest on euan, i have something to refer back on. i would not face a blank wall again, just like what we have experienced at the onset of his KD.

bluer than blue

it breaks my heart to know that euan kept looking for me the whole time yesterday...he didn't saw me leave yesterday, but today he was awake and we played a little before i left for work.
it's just so sad not to be with him and to take care of him because he has colds and i'm afraid it might lead to asthma again. although he is still the same active, always-playing-never-gets-tired boy, i just hope he'll recover soon.
i just can't stop thinking of euan but someone told me that the more i think about him, the more he'll get anxious. i really do hope to get over all my blues in a breeze.

anxious

i am back to work and i can't help but feel anxious. i miss euan terribly... i think i am having a second bout of separation anxiety. i just hope he would be ok even without me taking care of him...or i think it's more of the other way around - i hope that i will be able to get used to this and adjust quickly with this set up. :(

"i-nan"

that's how euan says his name. cute noh?! this month he started saying his name, associating things to him, like if he sees his diapers, he would say, "mama, 'i-nan'?" or if he sees his clothes, he would say "i-nan?!" he is so cute! and smart! and if there's one thing that i also find funny (and wierd) is his fondness for his blanket. when he turned one, he would always look for his "nu-not" (kumot)! and so whenever he drinks his milk or gets sleepy, he would always say, "mama, nu-not!"
euan is growing up fast right before my eyes. it makes me happy to see him learning new words, doing things on his own, like getting his slippers or shoes, throwing things in the trash can (like my hair clips, buti na lang hindi cell phone!)
and he knows how to get mad too! saying things that we don't understand but you know it from the tone of his voice and the look of his eyes that he is angry. i don't know how i will be able to correct it but as much as possible we don't raise our voices and whenever he show his angry mood, we would always try to pacify him. i hope we are doing the right thing. and i hope that this is just a phase that would pass by...
hay, it's really hard to raise up a toddler! tiring! but at the end of the day, nothing beats a kiss, a hug, a "voo-voo" (i love u!), and the mere mention of "mama" from euan. that in the world is the sweetest thing, enough to blow all those tiredness away. :)